Hey everyone this is my first blog in a few months and I just remembered I was supposed to find something from last week…I didn’t. It sucks when you can’t follow your own rules that you made up.
Don’t forget to watch my special on Comedy Central January 30th 10p.m. EST 9p.m. CST
Christmas has come and gone and for the one thousand nine hundred and seventy fifth time in a row Jesus didn’t show up for the party. I think Jesus is kind of a “don’t make a big deal about this, it’s just a birthday” type of guy. I think I read once that the Christmas tradition started when a Jesus told his friend he wanted a small party, just some friends and family. Next thing you know the entire world hears about it, probably on MySpace or whatever they had back then. Jesus gets upset and says he’s never coming to another party again.
Personally I don’t like big parties either so I guess that’s yet another thing Jesus and I have in common. I remember for my 17th birthday my parents and friends threw a surprise party for me and I was actually upset, not at the surprise but at all of the lies leading up to the surprise. People have good intentions with surprise parties but they don’t think of the person they are surprising. To keep me out of the house my friend had me help clean his garage. They always distract you in an awful way. It’s never “hey why don’t we go to a water park” or “let’s watch Godfather I and II” or “if you stand on my shoulders you can watch my sister undress.” It’s always something that sucks “will you come over and help me build a pyramid?” So to justify a two-hour party they had me doing manual labor for 6 hours. That is a good way of getting around child labor laws. Have the kids make clothes and soccer balls for the week then on Saturday throw one of them a party. A small party, no games or cake we don’t need production suffering, we are in a recession.
After cleaning the garage I wanted to go home and take a shower but they said the water was turned off. Now I’m tired, dirty and I’ll have to use all my birthday money to help my parents get the water turned back on. Actually I knew what was going on and I was pretty mad about it at this point. They are ruining my birthday. It’s now become memorable the same way your first dog became memorable after you saw it get hit by a car. I’m done playing along. At first it was fun now, it’s kidnapping and I want to go home. It honestly was kidnapping I wouldn’t have been caught off guard if my friend said “we’re throwing a surprise party” or “hold up today’s newspaper so I can take a picture.”
Finally my friend says we’re done cleaning the garage and he’s going to take me home. By now I’m officially peed off. I’ve already made up my mind that I hate this party and everyone involved. The real surprise will come when I put out the candles with my balls. Horrible idea made worse by trick candles. We pull up, I’m un-showered covered with all the dust and dirt from his garage that’s never been cleaned. We open the door and everyone yells “surprise.” I’m not surprised nor am I happy. I actually ended up having a good time before the night was over and appreciated the thought they put into the party. Although I made it all the way to the gift portion of the party before I even fake a smile. Afterwards I was actually upset that I didn’t show more gratitude and happiness right as I walked in the door. So not only do these pricks not let me shower and make me clean out a garage but they also make me feel bad for not being happier that they ruined my day.
Amendment: I would have burned down my friend’s garage so there was a real mess to clean up. Or I would have just showered at his place and watched TV; I still don’t know why that never came up.
