I had a big raised spot on my leg and being the optimist that I am immediately assumed it was a cancerous tumor and I was going to lose my leg. The bad part is no one would make an inspiring movie about me because I don’t think I use my legs to their full potential anyway. At this point in life I almost think my legs are a hassle anyway. There will be no Tommy Johnagin story where I lose my leg but still find a way to play the sport I’ve been married to my entire life. Soccer.

I decided to head to the emergency room since I already met my insurance deductible for the year. I don’t go to the doctor very much but in January I thought I had a brain tumor that was causing me headaches. Turns out it was just a sinus infection. The doctor said it was acute sinusitis, which I’m guessing is the worst one. After having a sinus infection I decided I never want to actually have a brain tumor that has to suck.

Back to last week. I’m sitting in the emergency room hoping they can hurry and get me in because I don’t want to miss my show. I can’t tell anyone that because it would sound weird to ask to be bumped to the top of the list to go tell jokes. But it could be good for them. I tell jokes, people laugh a lot and drink a lot and maybe even drive home then end up in the emergency room later that night. If I don’t go, the show is canceled and the emergency room is dead all night.

There is a sign in the emergency room stating that they see you in order of how severe your injury is. I start looking around the room to make sure there is no gun shot victims or women in labor. Because in my head those are the only two things worse than deadly leg tumor. I get called back and the first nurse asked me to describe the “lump.” I did the best I could. Then she asked me to take off my pants. Which made me wonder why I had to describe it if I was going to strip down right after. Did she think I was lying? And she thought I wasn’t good enough to make up an accurate description. Maybe she thought I would get done telling her what it looks like and she would say AH HA you just described Samuel l Jackson, not a tumor. Now get out of here!!! Or she thought I had so many she needed a description before even looking. Kind of a police line up for tumors. With my pants down she looks at it and says to herself “that’s what I thought.”

I go back to my own private room. Another nurse comes in and immediately tells me to remove my pants and get on the bed. Ahh, to be single again(just joking Heidi). I oblige. she looks at it for a couple seconds and just blurts out the bad news without even warning me. I had…an ingrown hair.

I have never wished for a deadly leg tumor more. I’m now sitting in my underwear at the emergency room basically having a nurse look at my non-deadly leg pimple. The first nurse that let me in knew it was an ingrown hair but said nothing to me. Plus there were people still in the waiting room. I thought people were admitted according to how serious there injury was. Who was a lower priority than me? A guy with hunger pains. A woman that broke a nail. A person with their hand partially ripped off while working at their job that doesn’t offer health insurance. Where do you think you are, Canada? Here’s some ointment and a hook.

AMENDMENT: when the first nurse asked me to take off my pants I would’ve started cryin and said “the doctor already did this test in the bathroom, and it still hurts”

I went to eat at an Applebee’s before my show at the University of New Orleans this past week. I was sitting at the bar when two black guys about my age sat next to me. We were making small talk and at some point I said I was only in town for that night. Then one of them asked… and I mean one of the two guys at the bar not one of “them” asked where I was staying. I said I forgot and pointed to the parking lot, because I didn’t want him to come rob me. That’s when I realized I might be a little racist. If it were a hot chick at the bar asking where I was staying I would assume she wanted to sleep with me. If it were a hot black chick I would just hope she would sleep with me before robbing me. If it were a white guy, I would have told him my room number.

I honestly believe that EVERYONE is a little racist some people are very racist and that’s when bad things happen. Not many people would say they are racist if you asked and they had time to think about their answer. A lot of racism is a knee jerk reaction and you have no control of where your brain is taking you. Your friend says he’s not racist when given the time to think about it, then one day you’re stopped at a red light and you say “what is taking this light so long” and your friend yells “the Mexicans!!!” He’s a little racist.

I knew those guys weren’t going to rob me but I still told them I didn’t know where my hotel was and pointed at the parking lot like an idiot. Which is the worst excuse ever. When they asked where I was staying I should have just pointed at my head and told them I live in my brain man I live in my brain. I almost think these guys could feel the awkwardness because they weren’t making my situation easier.

About ten minutes into us talking one of the guys told me to be careful because “down here some people will pretend to be your friends then rob you as soon as you turn your back.” Then he and his friend started laughing. I was debating on whether it was a “that was a that’s a funny joke” laugh or a “he has a nice watch” laugh. In the conversation I told them I was a comedian and one of them said “do you know any nigger jokes?” I laughed awkwardly and looked around the room to make sure everyone knew that that word didn’t come from the white guy. Then I said no; which was a lie, I know a lot. I don’t look for them but I’ve heard them or read them or my dad will text them to me. These guys were just doing things to make me uncomfortable so they could laugh at my expense. Which I didn’t mind because being laughed at is better than being robbed any day.

AMENDMENT: When they asked where I was staying I would have screamed “I’m not a racist!” thrown my wallet at them and ran out the door.

1) I was scheduled to do a show at a college near where I live but it was canceled after I got there because there wasn’t enough people to do the show. actually saying there were zero people, which isn’t enough to do anything. Saying not enough means the audience was a little small. This audience was myself and the guy putting on the show. And I’ve heard all my jokes so there goes half the crowd immediately.

I had a hard time finding the building and stopped to ask for directions. Some girl told me to turn around because I had already passed it, then she added the “building has a big glass front you can’t miss it.” Not only CAN I miss it you already pointed out that I DID miss it. It reminded me of the time I stopped in a parking lot to ask for directions to a building I was having a show in. I was actually in the parking lot of the building I was asking for directions. I think I confused the guy I asked, which is understandable. I was basically yelling out of a car window “how do I get where I am right now? how do I get here? tell me!” The directions were simple there was no reference to east or west or how many miles it was basically “pull into that parking spot right there and you’ll want to do the rest by foot.”

I managed to find the building I can’t miss and walk back to where the show is going to be(or not to be). The guy putting it on said they are going to go grab people from the cafeteria to watch the show. And if you know anything about comedy the best audiences are normally made up of people who were interrupted during dinner and dragged to the show. Then after thirty minutes of no one showing up (apparently it was pizza day and no one wanted to leave the cafeteria) we start talking about calling the show. I’m very polite and say I understand if the show has to be canceled. I was disappointed the show was canceled but happy I still got paid. I drove there stood around for almost an hour and they handed me a check. it sounds illegal when I put it like that.

AMENDMENT: I don’t consider going to the show a mistake at all. my first amendment would be I would have smiled less when she handed me my check. My other amendment is I would’ve called my agent and asked if there were any other canceled shows I could do. I figure if I don’t have to do a show to get paid I don’t technically have to be there. So if I could book six or seven canceled shows a night I could pay off my condo pretty quick.

2) My fiancé had surgery a couple weeks ago. Nothing life threatening so no need to fake concern. She was really nervous about the surgery but came through just fine, which I think will play really well in my case for her breast augmentation. I won’t get into what the surgery was I will just say, she can still have babies and her fallopian tubes have never been cleaner. She has to start this new medication that the doctor said she has to be on for 6 months. As if that isn’t bad enough he told her the side affects are weight gain or loss, reduced sex drive, and mood swings. There are other side affects but those are the ones I paid attention to.

I didn’t like that he just wrote her a prescription to not have sex with me. She is already apologizing to me for future mood swings. Which in a way is kind of cool because we can have make up sex for a fight that hasn’t happened. As for the weight gain or loss I could say I would love her if she was 400 pounds and that would be true. But it wouldn’t be love shared between a husband and wife it would be more like love shared between pen pals. I think telling her she will have mood swings is like letting a tiger roam the streets. it just gives her the ability to go crazy then say “I’m sorry its the medicine.”

One night I saw her go from laughing to crying just because she messed up a shirt ironing she did that without the aide of mood swing pills. I didn’t know why she was crying and I didn’t know what to do so I started yelling mean things about her appearance and told her I killed her dog, thinking it would be helpful if she actually had a reason to cry.

AMENDMENT: I wouldn’t have told my fiancé all those things I just wrote, apparently those mood swing pills are working just fine.